Chapter 38
Noelle
The door to my room opens in the middle of the night, and my heart flutters when I feel the mate–bond sizzle to life. It’s Lucian, but even though I long to hold and kiss my beautiful mare, I suspect he is mad at me.
And he has every right to be mad.
I caused Sebastian’s death, and that’s why I didn’t fight back when Erin slapped the shit out of my face earlier while crying her eyes out. She was getting really into it, too….until she realized I wasn’t fighting back.
She yelled and screamed at me then, countless things I didn’t register before she slumped against me. And I think that’s what broke me the most–seeing my enemy so rough and beaten by what happened that she ended up hugging me instead. It felt incredibly wrong.
Erin and I hate each other, yet despite our differences, I wasn’t heartless enough to push away a woman who just lost the father of her unborn child. So yeah, I let her cry against my chest for at least an hour.
“That was sweet of you,” Lucian says. I’m not even surprised by him reading my mind anymore.
“I just hope she won’t commit suicide or something…”
“She won’t. Erin is many things, but when it comes to her child, she does care. I’ve read her mind plenty of times to know that she longs to become a mother.”
Tears prickle behind my eyelids. “That’s terrible to hear since I took Sebastian away from her…”
“You didn’t take him away from her.”
Lucian’s voice is surprisingly stern and when I look at him, I notice his eyes are glowing in green, not red. This means I’m dealing with the werewolf side of him, not the fairy.
I swallow thickly. “I did…”
“You’re not the one who murdered Sebastian…though, I am curious…”
“About?”
“When Erin had her emotional breakdown, you let her slap you multiple times without fighting back.”
“Mhm…”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?” I snort at the question. “I obviously let her slap me because I’m the reason the father of her unborn child is dead? I freaking owe her!”
Lucian sighs in the dark. “What happened to my brother isn’t your fault. Edward told me he was compelled to lead you to the vampires, which means he sought out the vampires himself and got played by Jackal. Not to insult the dead, but he probably went there to ask them for aid in defeating me since he wanted to become Alpha. Jackal must have taken that opportunity to compel him.”
“But I led him to the vampires, Lucian. If I hadn’t…”
“What? Are you even listening to yourself? SEBASTIAN WAS COMPELLED, NOELLE! You didn’t lead him there–HE WAS THE ONE WHO led you there and decided to follow, probably out of guilt since he knew it was a death trap.”
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Chapter 38
“But-
“No, stop blaming yourself.” Lucian’s voice is beyond irritated now. It sounds like he is speaking to a disobedient child. “Your guilt won’t help anyone. And it definitely won’t bring Sebastian Back from the dead.”
I’m silent for a moment, blinking away a few fresh tears from my puffy eyes before I speak. “I know,” I whisper. “But it’s hard not to feel responsible.”
Slowly, I feel the mattress dip as Lucian sits down. I can’t see that well in the dark in my human form, but I can tell his muscular back is faced with me.
“I know, and I’m not going to lie–I’m still mad at you, but not for what happened to my brother.”
“R–really?” I ask in a whisper. Maybe there’s a chance for us to make up tonight after all? “You’re not mad that I murdered your brother?”
“For the last time, Sebastian dying wasn’t your fault, Noelle,” Lucian turns to look at me in the dark so I can see the green glow of his eyes.
He is pretty–too pretty, and I’m instantly filled with longing. I know I don’t deserve his kindness, but a hug would be great right about now. I keep thinking about it, how nice it would feel to bury my face in Lucian’s chest and forget about what happened today.
But I can’t.
As the Midnight pack’s future Alpha, I have a huge responsibility
Lucian sighs again. “I came here to scold you, but it seems you’re already regretting everything that happened today, so I won’t do much of that.”
“Thank you.”
“But I still have things I want to say,” even though I can’t see his hands, I get the feeling he has turned them into frustrated fists in his lap. “Jackal murdered Sebastian, not you or anyone else. So there’s no hard feelings there, but I can’t look away from the fact that you went to the vampires on your own without telling me.”
When I don’t answer fast enough, Lucian lets out a laugh that sounds more painful than happy.
“I’m havving such a hard time understanding what you want, Noelle. We are marked and fated, yet despite this, you don’t let me in. Don’t you trust me? Aren’t I a good enough mate for you? Do you even realize how worried I was when I found out where you had gone? How afraid I was that you were going to die before Edward told me he could open a stable portal? Not only that, but you also risked the life of our unborn child by going to the lair of the vampires, and I…I don’t know how to forgive you for doing that, Noelle.”
For a moment, I am unable to respond, the honesty of his words taking up the small room to the point where I can hardly breathe. When I do manage to open my mouth, my voice is so low it could be mistaken for a whisper. “I’m sorry, Lucian.”
“Sorry…” His voice breaks and he swallows hard before he continues in a heartbroken voice, “Sorry doesn’t cover it, Noelle. Sorry doesn’t change the fact that you almost got yourself killed our child killed.”
My heart clenches at his mention of our unborn child. I reach out to touch him in the dark, but he moves away. It pains me, but I don’t blame him for not wanting my touch.
Instead, I try to heal him with words. “I’m not sure how to make this right, Lucian,” I murmur, my throat feeling constricted. “But I will try…for us…for our baby.”
Lucian finally faces me again. The green in his eyes has faded slightly, but they still hold an intensity that pierces through
- me.
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“Do you even know what it means to try?” He asks softly. “Trying means trusting me enough not to hide things from me. It means respecting yourself enough to protect your life and…our baby’s life. You two are my entire world, Noelle. If something were to happen to either of you….I…I don’t know what I would do.”
Silenced by the raw emotion pouring from every inch of Lucian I can only nod, tears streaming down my cheeks as I take in his pain, his fear, and his love through the mate bond. His emotions are so strong they are crushing me.
“I understand,” I whisper softly, praying that he can hear the earnestness in my voice. “I…I will be more careful, Lucian. For you and our child.”
“I hope you mean that,” Lucian moves for the door and I hear him run a hand through his hair. “I love you, Noelle, but…I need to spend this night alone to process everything. I will see you at our wedding.”
He doesn’t look back as he steps out into the hall and silently pulls the door closed behind him.
And that almost breaks me since the room feels a lot smaller without Lucian in it, less alive and more dead. I’m all alone, and what if….what if Lucian doesn’t want me after this? What if he decides to leave?
His words play on repeat inside of my head: “Trying means trusting me…respecting yourself…protecting your life…our baby’s life.”
And once I hear them, over and over again, I start to cry. Lucian’s heartache is my heartache; his anger is my anger. I’ve committed a betrayal against both him and myself by not including him in my decisions. I’ve wronged us both and our child by not allowing him to protect us as he should have been able to as my mate.
Gosh, why didn’t I bring Lucian with us?
