Chapter 97
I looked at Hunter and saw that he looked confused by my reaction. How had we talked about everything but this?
“Hana, 1 have done the baby thing, I have done the parenting thing and let’s face it, I’m not good at it. Just look at how my son turned out. I shouldn’t be a parent and I’m too old to do it all over again.” he told me.
“Right,” I said, But internally I was asking myself where that left me? Did I just have to accept that I wouldn’t have children? I had done so when I was w
with Simon.
“Do you want kids?” he asked. He sounded hesitant as if he didn’t want to know the answer. My first instinct was to lie, to tell him important to me. But
before I knew it, I told him the truth out of habit. This was Hunter, my safe person. had never lied to him, he had always accepted me as I was.
“I do,” I told him.
“Oh.”
“When I was with 5
Simon he told me it was never going to happen, and a part of me accepted it.”
“But you don’t want to just accept it anymore.” Hunter said the words that I hadn’t, but I felt..
“No. I’m sorry. But I don’t think I can just put something like that to the side just to save a relationship. I promised myself not to compromise myself like that again,” I told him.
“You shouldn’t. You have the right to live the life you want to live,” Hunter told me, and I knew he meant it.
“So do you,” I pointed out. He nodded.
“Where does that leave us?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe we should take a day or two to think about it and then talk about it again? This came out of nowhere and neither of us have had time to think it through,” I said. He nodded again.
“I love you,” he told me.
“I love you too. That won’t change.” I said. He nodded and drew me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him back. I had a feeling of needing to cling to him. Hunter seemed to have the same feeling as he hugged me like he was afraid of losing me. We spent the evening and most of the night making love. It was as both of us had a desperate need for closeness and we both had a hunger that seemed impossible to satisfy.
The following day I was again sitting in the small witness waiting room. Yesterday I had passed the time with a book. Today, my mind was occupied with the baby issue. I knew that I wanted kids, one or more. I had always wanted a family of my own, the chance to raise decent human beings. Did it have to be now? No. I could wait for a couple of years. I was young and I could use a couple of years to get through this mess and establish my business. That meant that I could stay with Hunter, at least for now and then we would deal with the issue when the time came. But could I do that? I wasn’t so sure I could. I loved Hunter, I knew that. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind I loved him. But love wasn’t always enough. Would there be a meaning to continuing a relationship when I knew there was no future for us? It wasn’t fair to Hunter that I expected him to change his mind. I had already tried to adapt my wants in life to someone else’s, and it had ended hombly. I didn’t want to go through that again. It felt like a cruel twist of faith that Hunter had shown me how a healthy relationship should be. And now, that knowledge was the thing that would drive us apart. There was no middle ground in this. You couldn’t ‘kind of have a child, and I would never force Hunter into a situation where he wasn’t happy with. I knew that if I became pregnant, Hunter would do the right thing and stay with me. Possibly even marry me. But I didn’t want to force him like that. I would feel like a burden, like a check on a list he needed to check, I would never put me, or a child, into a situation like that. And Hunter derved to not feel trapped. The more I thought about it, the more I knew what needed to be done and the more depressed I felt.
Lamed home in the afternoon. I hadn’t been called to testify today either, and I just felt drained. I was happy it was Friday and that the trial would not resume until Monday morning. I had just enough time to get out of my business clothes and into my comfy clothes before my phone rang.
“Hi, are you at home?” Hunter asked.
“Hi. Yes. Do you want to come over?” I asked.
“Yes, I think we need to talk It was the answer I dreaded, but knew would come
“Eager. Come over when you can. I’ll order some food. Five minutes later, Hunter knocked on my door. He must have been right outside when he called. We both stood looking at each other. No one initiated a kiss or a hug. It was like we had been transported back in time to when we met. We both felt this pull towards each other, but neither one knew what to do with it. We ended up sitting on the couch, forcing small talk until the food arrived. We ate in silence, which had never happened before. By the time we had cleared the table and gone back to the couch. I just wanted the situation to be over.
“So,” Hunter said
10
Chapter 97
“Yeah,” I agreed.
“You want children,” he stated.
“And you don’1”
“It’s a hard topic to compromise about,” he said.
“It is.” I agreed. “I don’t want you to force yourself into a situation you are clearly not comfortable with.”
“And I don’t want you to give up on your dreams,” he told me.
“But I love you,“I said, and I heard the desperation in my voice.
“I know, sweetness,” he assured me and for the first time that evening, he reached for me and drew me into his arms. I hugged him back as tight as I could. “I love you too. Nothing will ever change that,” Hunter told me. “Should we give it time?” he asked.
“Will you change your mind?” I asked. He sighed
“After Simon? No. I’m not fit to be a parent.”
“I don’t agree with you. Simon isn’t your fault. But I’m not going to try and force you to change your mind. I respect that you know what is best for you,” I told him.
“Are we saying what I fear we are?” he asked me.
“That we need to stop seeing each other. If we continue this relationship we will only hurt each other in the end. And I could never do that.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” he said, tightening his hold on me.
“I know, I don’t want this either”
“But there is no other way.” It wasn’t a question, and I was too choked up to reply. I just shook my head and leaned my head against his shoulder. “Hana, whatever happens, I will always be here if you need me. It doesn’t matter if it’s something big or something small. If you need help, you pick up your phone and you call me. If I find out you are in trouble from someone else, you will really know what being in trouble means. Do you understand?” he asked and made me look at him.
“I understand,” I told him. “And that goes both ways. I will always be here, just call me.” He nodded. We sat for a moment, looking at each other. We were trying to process what was happening. letting our realities shift.
*I should leave. It will hurt more if we drag it out,” he finally said.
“Okay. Do you want your things?” I asked. Hunter had things all over my place. He made a painful face.
“No. I don’t think I can deal with something so depressing. Keep them or throw them away. How about Cuddles things at my place? I shook my head. He was right. It was an utterly depressing thought to take back things that belonged at Hunter’s place.
“Send them to the thelter,” I said as we both got up. He nodded. We walked to my front door and Hunter kissed me. The final kiss was sweet and I tried to save the impression of it in my mind.
“I will see you around, Hana. Take care of yourself,” he said.
“You too Hunter.” He walked out of my apartment and when I had locked the door behind him, I turned around, sat down on the floor and started crying. It felt like my heart was being ripped from my body and 1 wailed from the pain of it. Cuddles came walking to see what was wrong, and I hugged him to me, letting my tears man into his fur. I don’t know how long I sat on the floor by the door and let my emotions run wild. It had never hurt like this with Simon. Not even in the darkest periods had he been able to shatter my heart like this
