Chapter 10
The decision no nesten horn why
Thad spent month trying to build a new life in New York, throwing myself into work, distracting myself s
schbies, and attempting, unsuccessfully, terase Alexfrom my heart. But no
11 wasn’t just ales’s presence in my life now that hauntedme; It was everything bed to him. The weight of our shared history, the moment I’d spent loving him in silence, and the dreams. Ponce had it in lingered ke ghosts.
So when the case to take a few days oll week came up, I decided it was time to go back. Not for Alex, not for ampeone else—just for me.
The deter into my hometown del suural, the familia sights both confting, and doaiesting. The old dine e cones, the park where Alex and used to race our bikes, the men ir then where we’d seencosmessides—allel & lenght hackermain jumtselwerady to face
de T prolled into do parents‘ deferson, a wave el nostalgia hit me. The home looked exactly the time, with ine whets shutters and the flower bed my mom had metinokedy maintained for
Stepping init of the cai, 1 took a deep breath, letting the crisp autumn au fill my hores.
“Lasten?” My mom appeared on the prech, bei fice lighting up with aude.
| and, forcing a smile of my ontsant walked toward hei
The pulled me into a tight hug, her was mith grounding me for moment. “It’s so pood to see you Come imlike–you must be starving”
Ovet, I updated my parents on me in New York, keeping the conversation focused on work and the city I didn’t mention Ales, and thankully, they didn’t bring him up.
Tut later that evening, as 1 sat in my childhood bed som Mating at the faded posterion the wall the mentales came rushing back.
This was the room where I’d spent countless nights talking to ex on the phone, where I’d written in my journal about the way his smile made my heart race, where dreamed about a fstore that now seemed impossibly far away.
I lay back on the bed, closing my eyes, and let myself feel the weight ofirall,
The next day, I decided in certain some of the places that had shapedour story.
I started with the park.
The swings raked soft in the bow, just as they had when we were kids. I sat on one, my fingers cling around the cold chains, and let the memories wash over m
1oddam ca in clearly – Ales pushing me higher and higher, his laughter ringing out as I shouted for him na stop,
YOU IN TOATE DA touch the sine, Lauren!” he’d said, his grin wide and infectious
| emiled taisily at the memory, though it was hittersweet.
Next, I walked to the lake.
The water was calm, reflecting the gray clouds above, and the old wooden dock stretched out just in always had.
This was where Alex and had spent countless summer afternoonpping and talking about everything and nothing
Esat at the edge of the dock, my feet dangling above the water, and closed my eyes.
“Do you think we’ll aboays be friends?” I’d asked him once, my voice quiet.
dsaid, without beutation. “You’re stuck with ine.”
The memory made the chest ada.
www the di
I want it en walked in the familiar sell of age and files filling the air. I slid into the booth we’d always claimed as ours, the red sin sear won and cracked from years
di 1 sipped a anilkuhaki
thelp but armember the countless times we’d eat here, sharing files and planning our nest adventure,
I missed floose days when everything felt sirople, when our hiendship wasn’t weighed down by imspoken feelings and complicated chokes
I sat itiate, såring at the empty seat across from me, I realized something
Twauni pun mourning what Alex and hadbeen. I was mourning what i had hoped we could te
And maybe it was the telt good that hope:
That evening as I walked back tatty patentat r, I felt lighter somehow. The mess we still there, but they didn’t feel a sharp, not whelming
The next morning, I was utting on the porch with a cup of coffee when my mom joined in
“İnittading.” I replied, staring out at the yard
lars touch warin and conforting “I know how much he was to you, Lauren bat sometimes, holding on to some hats more than letting them go
“T’m trying.” I uid, nyytely on a whisper
She squeezed my hand. “That’s all you randa”
On my last day in town, I derided to stat ine novce place the bench by the lake whej e Alex and i had carved out Inilabs when we seena käibe
The calving was still there, though the letters hail faded with time, traced them with my fingers, the wood rough beneath my touch, and amided faintly.
This place had been man anor, a tyrbed of the Sand we’d shared.
But as I sat there, watching the sunset over the water, I realized
erking İmportam.
It wasn’t my bond with Alex that defined me. It wasn’t his bow–or lack of that determined my worth.
For too long, had measured myself by how much space occupied in his heart.
But now,iting on that bench, I realized it was time to make space for myself
When Leturned to New York, the cry feh different somehow.
The noise and chaos were still there, but they didn’t feel as overwhelming My apartment was still small, but it felt like home
And the first time in a long time, Heh like I could breathe.
Impacked my suitcase, I came across the photo of Alex and me that I’d taken from my childhood room. I stared at it for a long moment before setting it in a drawer
It wasn’t about forgetting him–it never could be
But it was about moving forward.
Andas Erlimbed into bed. I felt a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, I was finally ready to do that.
