Book 1: Chapter 17
The week passed both quickly and slowly. I knew I had big decisions to make so it felt like the days of solitude were flying by, but I
also had more hours alone than I’d ever had before and the loneliness I felt at times was crippling.
Keeping my phone turned off helped me to have space to think. I knew I wasn’t ready to talk with Grant but after I had turned it on to have a brief conversation with my boss I sent him a short message asking him for space and to stop going into my workplace. My boss had explained that he’d shown up the first morning after I left the apartment demanding to see me. She’d been called to the nurse’s station to handle him and explained I was on leave. She didn’t think he believed her and nursing staff confirmed he’d returned the next day also.
I also placed a call to Bess to say thank you. The doorman had knocked on my door the afternoon after I arrived and handed me a box. Inside was the envelope full of cash, some fluffy socks, a bottle of wine, a bullet vibrator and some chocolates. The note inside said Everything you need to get over any man! It made me laugh.
She was still full of fire on my behalf and offering help with getting rid of a body, finding a new place to stay and more stripping slots if I needed cash. She assured me she was only a phone call away and it felt better to have someone I could reach out to. I hadn’t called Aidan because while I wanted to talk to him, wanted his comfort, I didn’t think it was fair to reach out to him when he obviously liked me. I didn’t want to lead him on and I knew I wasn’t in the head space to even ponder any what ifs with him.
He was also right when he said that after a day or two to calm down I went from angry with Grant to sad. Just plain sad. Despite the night at the strip club and what I now knew I missed him. I missed our happy times together. Missed cooking with him. Visiting hole In the wall restaurants and watching movies snuggled under a blanket together. As I remembered our life together I thought of all the times he’d been there for me. All the ways he’d shown me he loved me over the years. We’d always been a team. Was I ready to throw all that away?
It wasn’t until after I’d listened to a podcast about healing that I actually started to think on the times that hadn’t been so good. One of the tips they’d recommended to help you let go of someone, so you could peacefully move on was to “un–glamourise your relationship
By that they wanted listeners to make a list. Kind of like a Pros and Cons list. To note down all the times your significant other had hurt you or let you down and see if that list was larger or smaller than the one with all the good times. It could include big and small things and was intended to show you that perhaps the relationship ended for a reason. That it had run its natural course.
As I did the exercise I realised that he often hadn’t been there. When he’d chosen to put his needs before mine. In high school when he’d chosen to go on a hunting trip with his dad and uncles the weekend after I lost my mother. Justifying it by saying he thought! needed some time to process things alone. When in fact all I’d wanted at the time was him to hold me while I cried. I hadn’t said anything because I thought he was right and I was worried if I pushed too hard he might leave me too
Then once we started college he’d been so focused on his double degree that my needs always came second. He’d comment on how lucky I was to only have a standard course load and how I had the time to run errands for him, or cook and clean for him. At the time I’d justified it because he was working such long hours. Working towards what I saw as our future. His big dreams were going to ensure we had a better life. But when did I decide to put his dreams before mine?
Looking back I realised getting together so young and losing my mother at around the same time had left me with him as my only real source of comfort. I was terrified of losing him too and had subconsciously decided to ensure his needs always came first. Try and be the perfect girlfriend so he’d never leave me. He wasn’t a bad boyfriend by most standards, but was not bad really good? Didn’t I deserve a great boyfriend? I didn’t know any more.
That didn’t even take into account his behaviour since joining Kent and Brookman. All the unanswered messages, then unanswered calls, missed dinners and eventually his annoyance with me when I’d questioned his whereabouts. I’d glossed over all the times I’d almost begged him to spend some time with me. Choose me. And instead he’d head out for golf explaining to me that it was for our future. I just needed to wait a little longer,
I hadn’t wanted to rock the boat because he was my person, the one who I felt had always been there and I was scared what would happen if I gave him an ultimatum of me or his job. Now I was the one deciding our future. Not him. My week in the apartment was up
Book 1 Chapter 17
and I didn’t know what to do. I realised it was time to talk to Grant. I needed answers before I made my decision. I turned on my phone and sent a message.
Meet me at the apartment at 7pm.
Thank god! You’ve had me so worried about you. Of course I’ll meet you. I’ll bring dinner home and w
well work everything out. I can’t wait to see you I love you xx
His message made me angry. His automatic assumption that I was returning home. That he thought we’d share a meal and hed talk me round. For all he knew I was having him meet me there so I could give him my keys and take the rest of my stuff. Then again i couldn’t really blame him, we hardly ever fought, and when we did it didn’t take much for him to talk me round. My past behaviour had taught him how to treat me.
Later that evening I looked out the window as I gathered my phone and keys ready to head back to my old apartment and noticed it was looking cold and windy out there. I automatically pulled on Aidan’s hoodie from the spot it had been sitting on the lounge. Id basically lived in it this week and needed the comfort it would bring me when I confronted Grant. Part of me was tempted to take him up on his offer to come with me but I knew that would cause major drama: No way would Grant tolerate another man in his space while we talked, I wouldn’t get the truth out of him if we had an audience. It was time to put on my big girl panties and do this myself
I was shocked to find him already home when I walked through the door just after seven. He hadn’t been home before eight in over six months. Most nights he made it home it was usually closer to ten in the evening. Citing client dinners or last minute projects
going
He must have heard my keys in the lock because he was rushing towards me with a big smile and his arms up as if he was goi to hug me. I took a step to the side and put my hand up. His smile dropped into a frown.
“What are you doing Emily. Why are you being like that?”
The fact he appeared genuinely shocked and hurt by my behaviour had my temper flaring and I yelled at him.
“I don’t want you touching me because I know for a fact those same hands have been on other they’re clean!”
“Can we just talk calmly please. It’s not what you think….
I cut him off before another ridiculous platitude could come out of his mouth.
women’s bodies and I don’t know if
“Here’s what’s going to happen Grant. We’re going to sit at the dining table and I’m going to ask you questions. You’re going to tell me the truth and don’t even try to lie or sugar coat it because Bess has offered me all the footage from the Club. Including the backrooms, so I’ll know if you’re lying to me. The first lie out of your mouth Ill pack the rest of my clothes and be gone out that front door. No more contact. No chance for reconciliation.”
The part about Bess was a lie but he didn’t know that and by the look on his face he was definitely worried about what I’d see I felt my stomach tum over for the first time at the realisation of what I was about to hear from the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.
“Emily… Fuck! I don’t want to talk about that place. I know I messed up but it’s not as bad as you think and I’m not losing you over this. Everything I did was for you, I was only ever there because of business. We can fix this!”
“Grant. I need you to listen to me like you’ve never listened to me before. What I want is for you to sit in that chair.” I pointed to the chair on the left side of the table. “And I’m going to sit there.” I pointed to the chair you questions. You’re going to be one hundred percent honest with me. Okay,”
the opposite side of the table. “I’m going to ask
He took a few deep breaths before he gave me a small smile.
So why don’t we eat while
“Okay. The Mexican food I picked up is going to be ruined if we don’t eat it soon. I got all your favourites. So w you ask your questions? Then we can watch the new Marvel movie.”
I looked at him like he’d lost his mind. He was obviously not taking me seriously if he thought I was going to eat and then watch a movie. The thought of trying swallow food while he told me just how far he’d gone in his betrayal with those strippers had my stomach already churning.
“No. I’m not eatin
eating with you. That’s not what this is. Do you want to sit and listen to my questions or am I leaving?”
Book 1 Chapter 17
He stared down at his shoes for a moment and I suddenly had a thought that he’d refuse. I didn’t do this. I didn’t make demands and I could see he was struggling with it. When he raised his head he had a strange look on his face. His eyes were moving over me and it was like he was deciding what he wanted to say. I could see his wheels turning.
Okay. Fine. I’ll sit and you can ask your questions but I can tell you now you’re not leaving me. Not over this. We’ve been together too long for this to be the end of us. But Emily before I sit I have two questions of my own. Who was the guy on the stage and whose fucking hoodie are you wearing?”
