Chapter 20
I came to consciousness slowly. Not wanting to open my eyes and face the day. My head is pounding and my eyes feel like they’re filled with sand. Slowly sitting up I notice a glass of water and two Advil by the bed. I automatically reach for them before looking around the room.
I notice I’m actually in my old bedroom, in the apartment I shared with Grant. How did I get in here? The last thing I remember was bawling my eyes out in Grant’s lap on the lounge. He must have carried me to bed. With the lack of sleep I’ve had lately and the trauma of last night I’m not surprised I passed out. I’ve always been a heavy sleeper and in the past he would often carry me to bed without me waking.
I
It’s then I realise I’m in just my panties and bralette. He must have undressed me last night. The thought makes me uncomfortable and I immediately search the room for my clothes. Spying my shoes next to the chair by the bathroom door. I can’t see my leggings or Aidan’s hoodie anywhere.
I quietly grab clean underwear, some leggings and a tshirt from my side of the wardrobe. A quick stop in the ensuite bathroom has me dressed and feeling more secure. No way I want to have any kind of conversation with Grant in just my underwear
I notice the laundry hamper is almost overflowing and scoff to myself. He’s obviously not done any laundry since I left. Not a surprise as I’d always taken care of all the household duties. I shake my head at myself when I think of how I was taking care of him while he was lying to me for months.
I start to dig through it, in case he shoved Aidan’s hoodie in there to spite me. I quickly find my leggings from yesterday but no hoodie. Please don’t tell me he’s done something with it. His reaction last night made it clear he wasn’t happy I was wearing it but I’d hope he wouldn’t destroy it.
As I’m shoving his clothes back into the hamper my hand gets caught in the pocket of one of his trousers. As I pull my hand free a receipt and condom wrapper falls from his pocket. I feel the colour drain from my face. These pants were put in the hamper after I left. İ know this because when I was off work the day of our anniverary I caught up on all the laundry in the apartment. This means that these were the pants he was wearing that night. The night I saw him at the Club.
Lifting my shaking hand to push the hair form my face I feel my stomach churn. A condom wrapper. My boyfriend has a condom wrapper in his pants. Logically I already knew he had sex with the stripper. He told me. But seeing that wrapper made it 100% real. Like my brain and my heart finally connected the dots.
the
I rush to the bathroom and wash my hands. The need to remove the touch of his clothes and that wrapper from my skin. As sick as wrapper makes me feel it was what I needed. Last night was awful, like I knew it would be, but the way he cared for me reminded me of the old Grant. The one who stepped in when my mum died and convinced his parents to let me live in their garage apartment so I wouldn’t have to go into foster care to finish high school. The man who until this last year had been my rock.
The wrapper was like a slap to
to the face. A physical reminder that he wasn’t that guy any longer. He was a guy who’d lie to me for months and then intimately touch a stripper for weeks before actually having sex with her. If he was telling the truth. Maybe he’d been sleeping with her all along and thought telling me it was only once would make a difference.
I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see. I look haggard, Dark circles under my eyes and I’ve definitely lost a bunch of weight. Nothing like the “Cheating Boyfriend Diet” to help you lose a few pounds. I had so many regrets standing here. Regretting every time I’d kept my mouth shut when he didn’t return a call. Regretting every time Td kept my mouth shut when he missed dinner or a movie. Regretting every time I took him at his word. Trusting him so blindly.
It’s in that moment as I stare my reflection, take in the sadness looking back at me, that I realise I can’t stay. I can’t continue this relationship. Il never be able to trust him and I know that every time he left my sight I’d be wondering what he was doing, who he was with. I can’t live like that. If I look bad now after one week of knowing, imagine how I’d look after a year. I can’t forgive him right now and that means I have to leave. Did I think he was sorry for what he’d done. Yes. Did it mean I could trust him. No.
Mind made up I head back into the bedroom. I grab my two large duffle bags from when I moved away to college and gather up the rest of my clothes. I also grab my shoes, flat iron, a small jewellery box and some photos from my childhood that I could never mplace and shove those into the bags. I’m unsure if I’ll be returning to this apartment and don’t want to leave anything behind that matters to
Book 1 Chapter 20
me, just in case he decides to retaliate by destroying my stuff.
Zipping the bags closed I can feel my hands shaking. I stare at the bags and realise that I fit everything I own into two duffle bags and one suitcase back at the other apartment. I feel like a failure. How did I get to twenty four and have so little? As I look around the room I realise I don’t want any of the furniture in this apartment, it’s all tainted, except my desk in the second bedroom, it belonged to my mother and I’d never part with it. I need to ask Bess if I can pay rent to stay in their furnished apartment for a few more weeks while I work out something permanent.
As I make my way towards the bedroom door to have what I know isn’t going to be an easy conversation I feel my heart racing. I know he’d never physically hurt me but on the rare occasion we argued in the past he didn’t always fight fair. He knew what to say to hurt me. To get his way. It would be days after our argument that I’d sit and think through what he’d said, but by then things would be good and I’d let it go. Not wanting to rock the boat..
ly needed to rock the boat. I needed to capsize the freaking thing.
I definitely
Taking a deep breath I brace myself and step from the hallway into the lounge. Knowing I’d need to keep my wits about me and remember every hurt over the last year, remember how I felt when I saw him with Roxy on his lap, remember that condom wrapper. Keep those thoughts at the forefront of my mind so he didn’t manipulate me with his words.
“You’re finally awake. I was going to come in soon if you were still sleeping but you looked so peaceful back in our bed I didn’t want to
to wake you.”
Having obviously heard me leave the bedroom he turns from the kitchen island with a smile on his face that drops when he sees the bags.
“What’s going on? Why do you have those bags?”
I place the bags next to the front door and turn to Grant. I look at this man who has held my heart in his hands since I was seventeen years old. Wondering where we went wrong? I can’t help the tears that well up in my eyes. I know I should only feel hatred for him after what he’s done, but it’s hard. So hard. Some might call me weak but he’s all I’ve ever known. I feel like I’m free falling off a building right now but know that I have to do it. I can’t let him break me any more than he already has. I can’t end up like my mother.
“I’m leaving. I’ll contact the leasing agent and have my
by name taken off the lease.”
He rushes towards me with so much anger on his face that I can’t help but flinch.
“Why are you doing this! I’d never hurt you. Jesus Emily I’ve never laid a hand on you, All I’ve ever done is love you! Please don’t go. Let’s talk some more. You fell asleep last night and we didn’t finish talking. Please, I know I fucked up but we can fix this. Don’t throw away our future over one mistake!”
He grabs hold of my
arms as if he can physically hold me in place.
“1 found the condom wrapper in your pants.” His face goes white and the hold on my arms is now just shy of painful but I know it’s not intentional. He’s spiralling and I need to end this before it can get ugly.
“I know you admitted to having sex with her but finding that was my final straw. I don’t trust you Grant and you know what that means. I can’t be with you. Please let me go. I need us to end in such a way that over time I can look back at who we were and remember all the love we shared, the good times. Not look back with regret and only remember how we ended.”
He looks distraught. Like he
finally realised that he’s not going to talk me round,
“Emily… Fuck…. …. Just please… I can’t lose you! You’re my everything. We love each other. I know you haven’t fallen out of love with me in a week. Just tell me what to I can do?”
I use my fingers to peel his hands off my arms and he surprisingly lets me. It’s like he’s frozen in his spot. I head towards the duffel bags near the door and look back at him.
I feel like my heart is severing in half. Never to feel whole again. Even though this is all his fault, the look on his face is killing me. don’t know how to not love him but I do know that our love isn’t enough right now. Hasn’t been for a long time.
“I do love you Grant. Probably always will but that’s not enough. You can’t go back in time and undo what you’ve done – you can’t un–listen to your boss and blindly follow his disgusting example, you can’t un–lle to me, you can’t un–cheat on me.” I give a sad shrug of
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Book 1 Chapter 20
my shoulders.
“I’ll call you once I hear from the leasing company and let you know if you need to sign any new papers. I’ll leave my keys on the kitchen bench once I can arrange to have my desk picked up.”
I stop with the my hand on the front door, holding it open. The lighter duffle bag on my left shoulder and the heavy one in my right hand. This is it. Me and two bags. It’s hard to breathe. The thought of walking out this door and having to start over without him is so foreign to me that my body stalls in place.
He’s
staring at me. I can see his mind spinning. Processing what I’m saying. Trying to work out how to get me to stay.
“Bye Grant. Take care of yourself.”
“I’ll see you soon Emily. I love you.”
