: Chapter 23
Six weeks was too long to go without seeing her. We’d never gone more than five days in the last seven years and now we had spent over a month apart, I didn’t even know where she was living. I hated it. She was just as beautiful as I remembered but looking at her it looked like she’d definitely lost some weight and there was a sadness about her that wasn’t there before I caused this mess.
By the look on her face I knew she was probably thinking about me. She looked tired and I hated that she was working double shifts that brought her into this large parking structure alone so late at night. Anyone could hurt her. I didn’t want to scare her if she looked up and saw a man standing next to her car so decided it was time I mad my presence known.
“Hello Emily.”
The way she jerked when I spoke made me feel bad. She’d obviously been so lost in her head she hadn’t even noticed a man in her vicinity. That wasn’t safe for her. She didn’t respond to my greeting. Instead, halting her steps and staring at me. Taking me in from head to toe. I felt unsettled on the inside. Was she looking me over so hard because she missed me or was she looking me over like that because she hated what she saw, I had never been unable to read Emily but in this moment I had no idea what she was thinking.
“Long time no talk.”
Her eventual greeting was a little strange but as I looked at her closer I realised she wasn’t just tired, she looked exhausted.
“Are you okay Emily?”
At my question she barked out laughter, but it definitely held no humour.
“No Grant. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for almost a year. How about you? How’s life treating you th
these days?“.
I wasn’t sure how to answer her. I didn’t know this Emily. My Emily was always thrilled to see me and would have definitely given me a tight hug and kiss by now. This new Emily who was keeping her physical distance from me and speaking in a sarcastic tone wasn’t someone I knew how to approach.
“You need to pay better attention when you’re alone here late at night. It’s unsafe for you to…
“Don’t tell me what’s unsafe for me. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not your problem any more.
“111 always worry about you.” She shook her head at me and I paused. Looking at the way she gripped the handle of her bag so tightly, “I’m sorry Emily…” She cut me off before I could offer her any more apologies.
ic
“What are you sorry for exactly? Lying to me for over six months? Using my money to pay for lap dances and private room visits? Finger banging strippers? Having group sex with two strippers and your boss? Destroying my entire world? Which part are you sorry for?”
She’d was now hugging her arms across the front of her scrubs. Her purple unicorn scrubs that she wore to try and make the kids on the paedeatric ward smile. I could see her eyes welling with tears and she had such a tight grip on herself it was as if she was trying to stop herself from flying apart.
“Emily.
…God. I’m sorry. You ask what for? I’m sorry for all of it. But most of all I’m sorry for making it so right now when you’re hurting and you’re hugging yourself instead of being in my arms for comfort.”
She scoffed and stared down at her crocs for a moment before looking at me with eyes that held nothing but anger and pain.
“There’s no way I’d want to be in your arms Grant. Every time I think of your arms I see you holding Roxy. I think of those same arms that had always been my safe space holding another woman! Then I have to remember it wasn’t a one off, it was months of you and her together. Months of you touching, hugging and who knows what other shit you did! While I was sitting at home worried about us. Worried what I’d done wrong and how could I make you love me like you used to. Stupid gullible Emily. I bet you guys laughed about your ignorant girlfriends and wives didn’t you!”
“I would never.”
“No! You cheating bastard I don’t want you to hold me. The thought of you touching me makes me physically sick. Your arms are no
Book 1: Chapter 23
longer my safe space and I’m not sure they ever will be again and for that I hate you right now Grant. For making me feel so completely alone I fucking hate you!”
She was cry
crying and yelling by the end of her rant and my heart started to pound. I’d never seen Emily like this. We’d had arguments over the years but I always won her over quickly. She’d always been so reliant on me she’d given in, probably easier than she should. Not wanting to rock the boat in case I left. I knew it made me an asshole but I’d always loved how she needed me, how I was her one safe harbour, I’d rarely heard her raise her voice all those years and couldn’t think of the last time I’d heard her curse so much. I quickly realised tonight’s conversation might not go the way I thought.
“I understand. I do. And I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel that way but I can fix this. We can get back to who we were. I refuse to give up on our love just because things are tough. I know you still love me and even though I know you don’t believe me yet, but when I did what I did, I actually always had you in my mind. Everything I did in that Club was for you. For our future together. I was never…”
She cut me off again. “Do not stand here and try to justify your behaviour. On no planet is what you did okay. And even now you’re still giving me excuses instead of owning your shitty behaviour. How do you think I could ever find a way to forgive you if you can’t even own what you fucking did?”
“Stop cursing Emily. This isn’t you. I know you’re mad at me but please don’t become someone you’re not.”
At that statement something seemed to switch. I saw it in her face. It was like her whole demeanour shifted.
“You know what, you’re right Grant. I am now somebody else. But that’s okay. You created this new Emily. This person I’m piecing together from the ashes of the destruction you created. Your actions shaped this new me and I’m fundamentally changed, I’m someone who curses and yells when she’s angry and that’s okay. You don’t get to dictate how I behave any longer. You lost that privilege when you stuck your dick inside another woman,”
This was definitely not going as planned. I took a step towards her, my hands up like I was placating a wild animal. I needed to get our conversation back on track.
“Emily I came here tonight because I need to tell you about what happened at Kent and Brockman…
At the mention of my company name her whole body shook and she pointed her finger at me accusingly.
“No! Do not come any closer to me or I will scream bloody murder. I do not want to hear anything about what is happening at that sick company you work for. Not one word. I want you to move so I can get in my car and go home to bed. I’m exhausted and do not need this night now. For gods sake I don’t see you for six weeks and you show up at my work after I come off an eighteen hour shift A place, by the way I told you to stay away from. Then you choose to try and give me some half assed apology and admonish me for cursing. Why would you think that was okay?”
took a step to the side of her car, giving her room to get into her vehicle. I realised that perhaps this wasn’t the time or place for complicated conversation we needed to have.
*1 never
meant to upset you tonight. I just didn’t know how else to see you. You don’t answer my voice mails wanted to tell you about what I’ve been doing since you left. But seeing how tired you are I realise you’re right. Now isn’t the time. I’m sorry.”
or messages and 1
She gave me a small nod and took three steps towards her car. She kept flicking her eyes towards me as if she expected me to try and grab her. My heart hurt that she seemed to have zero trust in me any longer.
“Can I please meet with you. Name the time and place. We need to sit down so I can explain some things that have happened. Can you please do that for me?”
She had unlocked her car and was opening the driver side door when I spoke. She paused for a moment and then turned to look at me over her shoulder. She stared at me, her eyes running over my features before a few tears started to leak from her eyes. Using her right hand she swiped the tears from her face and gave her head a small shake before making eye contact once again.
“I’ll meet you at the park on West Street at 4pm on Thursday a
you see me. Do you understand?”
afternoon. Do not come here again Grant or that will be the last time
I quickly nodded my head. Thinking the fact she’d chosen our favourite hangout from high school felt like a good sign. It couldn’t hurt to sit together in a place that held such great memories.
Book 1 Chapter 23
“Yes Emily. Of course. I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable tonight. I’ll be there at 4pm. I’ll bring us both a coffee.”
I gave her a smile that she did not return before she got in her car and drove away from me. I watched until her car went down the ramp
at the far end of the structure. She didn’t look back at me once, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her car. Hoping it wouldn’t be the last time I saw her,
